Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Rapture and Rex

This just in from Craig Johnson, a terrific Wyoming writer. I enjoyed it so much I had to share with readers. What does it have to do with food? Nothin'. But I know a couple of dog lovers might enjoy the sentiment.

According to various estimates, there are about thirty million people in the US who firmly believe that the Rapture is coming in their lifetime. For the uninitiated, this is the second coming, an event which will result in the righteous being swept away to a far better place, leaving the rest here on earth. This Post-it isn’t so much as to whether this is or isn’t going to happen but more of what’s being done about the details.

A retired retail executive out of New Hampshire has fired up this service called Eternal-Earth Bound Pets USA that’ll sweep in after you’ve been swept off, to rescue and take care of your pets. Over a hundred people have already ponied (I’m not sure if horses are included in the plan…) up a hundred bucks for a ten-year contract that will insure that their pets are taken care of in a post-Rapture world. Says Mr. Centre, “If you love your pets, I can’t believe you wouldn’t think of this.”

There’s only one problem—well, actually, there are two, but I’ll get to the other one momentarily. First off, aren’t these people leaving their pets to the Godless to take care of? I mean, everybody else is going to be gone, right? So, I guess the atheists are the chosen pet-care providers. Earth Bound has twenty-six rescuers spread across twenty-two states who’ve signed certificates saying they don’t believe in God or have a criminal record. Now I’ve seen the movies about what’s supposed to happen in the apocalypse; it seems like Hollywood does one every three weeks where people turn into zombies, giant insects roam the land, there’s no oil, and the rain melts everybody—so how are we to be sure that Fido’s going to really be cared for? Is someone from EEBP-USA going to convert and check in?

On to number two—in this whole scenario who exactly is going to be left behind? The argument is that animals don’t have souls and therefore won’t be taking part in the great sweep. Really? I want you to look around your home and tell me who’s the kindest, most loyal, ever faithful, comforting, hard-working, uncomplaining, selfless individual in the house?

Seems to me we all better start cozying up to the four-legged and slide them a little cash for a premium...

All the best,


Wait! Here's the food connection, dogs, right here.


  1. Ok, thanks for your advance notice, Restless! So, I've made arrangements to bee sure my Creator doesn't leave this canine behind.

  2. Those left behind after the Rapture will be everyone not a member of [insert strict, narrow Fundamentalist, rapture ready church here] - that means Jews, Mormons, (probably some) Catholics, Muslims, Hindus and assorted agnostics, freethinkers, etc.

    So, whole loads of people left behind. No shortage of folks to take care of the pets.

    And no, they don't get to heaven if you follow strict fundie guidelines. Only humankind was made "a little lower than the angels" and thus, ensouled for immortality.

    Pets have to whoop it up in this life, which is obviously why they party so hard and have shockingly little concern for their eternal wellbeing. ;-)

  3. "Wait! Here's the food connection, dogs, right here."

    Well, if you're tossing hints to your canine readers, saying the dogs left behind are gonna be eaten by the "free thinkers, free eaters", eat al, etc, then let me outta here for sure!

  4. CP: I HOPE I linked to SLAW DOGS!
    K: A fount of info, I tell ya!

  5. When the swept are up, who gets their kitchen appliances? Is everthing fair game -- Hoovers and so forth? My dogs ain't making it to heaven any more than I am, so we're exploring the earthbound opps.

  6. AH--I got my eye on a coupla properties--only thing is I don't think the owners are gettin' swept up, any time soon--

  7. Many of my family members would consider themselves rapture ready. The only problem with taking advantage of their homestead's "left behind" is one of location location location. Fontana and Chino

  8. PA: definitely GU--geographically undesirable!

  9. Burbank! They've got unrapturable relatives, but I think I'll get the dog.

  10. Dont' get me started on the fabulousness of my dog. Sniff. That dog is a trooper, I'm telling you. I'm going to go cry now.